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I 



I'he Dressing Gown 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



By Robert C. V. Meyers 

Author of *'A Lady's cHoie/' *' The Top Landing/' etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 



^cj|,3 



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'i 



THE LIBRARY OF 
CONGRESS, 

Two Copies Received 

MAY. 20 1^02 

Copyright entry 

' LASS i XXa No. 

COPY B. 



Copyright 1902 by The Penn Publishing Company 






CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Peter Peabody — w/io makes the length of the gown an ex- 
cuse for a short temper. 

Mrs. Peabody — his wife, who makes the gown shorter and 
excuses nothing when her personal property is at- 
tacked. 

Miriam — the daughter, who also curtails the tail of the 
gown, and whose excuse is her heart. 

Angus Kirk — who is the excuse of all the excuses. 

Cumber — the butler, who helps shorten the gown, and whose 
temper is shortened by the shortness of others. 

Sarah — the maid, who assists in the shortening process both 
as regards the temper of the butler and the gown. 



COSTUMES 
In accordance with characters. 

Time in Representation, — thirty-five minutes. 



The Dressing Gown 



SCENE. — Parlor ; Exits, r., l. and q. ; piano, R. ; sofa 
and chairs ; table with 7vork-hasket containing scis- 
sors, needles, thread and thimble. 

(Cumber and Sarah on stage. ) 

Sarah (^dusting piano, crashes haftds on keys and sings'). 
'* Home, Home, Sweet, Sweet Home, There's no place like 
home, there's no place like home." 

Cumber (^arranging door curtains'). And I'm glad 
there's no place like home if that's the way it goes. 

Sarah. How sarcastic ! But I'm only laughing at mas- 
ter and missus. He's a wild turk and she's a meek goose. 

Cumber. Missus is mighty kind to you, Sarah. 

Sarah. Master's mighty unkind to you. Cumber. 

Cumber. Only these last two days. 

Sarah. These last two days will last till we're all dazed. 

Cumber. Don't make puns, Sarah. 

Sarah. I am punished so much these last two days I 
can't help it. 

Cumber. The fusses in the house seem to agree with 
you. 

Sarah. I am trying to keep cheerful. Master's a chair- 
ful of bad temper. If I was missus I'd temper him.* 

Cumber. It's only because Mr. Kirk wants to marry 
Miss Miriam. She's an only child and master hates to 
part with her. 

Sarah. Instead, he parts with his temper, and missus is 
afraid of him. He's a bear. It's barely possible the dress- 
ing gown has something to do with his temper. 

Cumber. He says it has. 

Sarah. Simply because his tailor sent home a dressing 
gown with too much tail to it. It's my opinion he ordered 
that gown long on purpose. {Striking piano and siiiging.) 
*' Home, Home, Sweet, Sweet Home." 



6 THE DRESSING GOWN 

{Enter C, Peabody ivith dressing gow 71 on. It trails on 
the floor.) 

Peabody. What's the meaning of this concert? 

Sarah {^jumping tip'). I was dusting the piano. 

Peabody. And it sang to you ? There's no dust on the 
piano. 

Sarah. Then Fll dust. [Goings.) 

Peabody. Girl ! 

Sarah. Sir ! 

Peabody. Ask my wife to come here. Pve been two 
days trying to get the tailor to send for this gown and take 
a half yard off it. PU wait no longer. 

Sarah. It couldn't be much longer, could it, sir? 

Peabody. What ? 

Sarah. The gown. Pll tell missus. 

{Exit R., Sarah.) 

Peabody. Cumber ! 

Cumber. Yes, sir. 

Peabody. Mr. Kirk is not to enter this house. Go 1 
{Exit Cumber r.) Kirk shan't have her. My wife is 
too meek to argue with, but she upholds Kirk. Pll put a 
stop to that. 

{Enter r., Mrs. Peabody.) 

Mrs. Peabody. You've got your gown on, haven't you, 
Peter ? [Nervously. ) 

Peabody. Does it look as though I hadn't ? Such idiotic 
questions ! 1 suppose you couldn't cut a half yard of it off ? 

Mrs. Peabody. Of course I can, dear. Why didn't 
you ask me before ? 

Peabody. Pm tired of asking you to do things. Pve 
asked you to show cool to Kirk, but you don't. 

Mrs. Peabody {crying). You're so cross. 

Peabody. Stop crying. 

Mrs. Peabody. Yes, dear. 

Peabody. Be merry. Laugh ! 

Mrs. Peabody {hysterically). Ha ! Ha ! ' . 

Peabody. Cut a half yard off this gowai. 

Mrs. Peabody. If you walk across the room I can see 
how much too long it is; 



THE DRESSING GOWN 7 

Peabody. Then look. ( Walks and pitches over gown 
and scrambles up. ) 

Mrs. Peabody. Did you hurt yourself, dear? 

Peabody. You made We walk on purpose, you knew I'd 
fall down. 

Mrs. Peabody {crying). Oh, Peter, how can you ! 

Peabody. Another thing. You're abetting Miriam and 
Kirk. Kirk shan't enter this house. 

{Enter l., Miriam.) 

Miriam. I heard you, papa, and I will try to keep Mr. 
Kirk away. Why, mamma, what is the matter? 

Peabody. Simply because I asked her to take a half 
yard off this gown she burst into tears. It's enough to set a 
man wild. {Tries to stride np and doivn, ivhen he falls. 
Throws off gown to a chair.) It's her fault and yours, 
every bit of it. 

{Exit L., Peabody.) 

Miriam. Mamma, please don't cry. 

Mrs. Peabody. He is so cruel. 

Miriam. I wouldn't put up with it. Why don't you 
resent it ? 

Mrs. Peabody. You must not speak thus of your father. 
And, darling, keep Mr. Kirk away. 

{Exith., Mrs. Peabody, weeping.) 

Miriam. I'll never be the meek woman mammals. Keep 
Angus away, indeed ! {Sees gown.) Horrid old thing. 
{Sits down and cuts off some of it.) I'll take a half yard 
off, if that's all. There ! You're short enough, now, I 
hope. {Enter c. Kirk.) Oh, Angus, how did you get 
in? 

Kirk. By the door, of course. Why not ? 

Miriam. But papa is crosser than ever. Says you are 
not to come. He is worse than ever this morning. 

Kirk. And of course he blames his long dressing gown 
for it all. Why don't you shorten it? 

Miriam. I have done so, though he may not like it. 
But you must go. 

Kirk. But I'm already here. I'm a sticker, I am, and 
not a meek article like your mother. 



'TK. 



8 THE DRESSING GOWN 

Miriam. Poor mamma ! 

Kirk. Why doesn't she assert herself? 

Miriam. How can she assert herself against papa as he 
is now ? 

Kirk. She ought to stand up for herself. At all events, 
you won't give me up. 

Miriam. Never. Oh ! {^Noise outside. ~) Here's papa ! 

i^Both rush off c, as e?ifer Peabody, l.) 

Peabody. So he is back again, is he ? Where is he ? 
Not here? Then Cumber did not tell me the truth. He's 
in league with them. I'll have it out with Cumber. 

{Exit R., Mr. Peabody. Enter l., Mrs. Peabody.) 

Mrs. Peabody. I'm trembling all over. I'm so nerv- 
ous.. Ah, here is the dressing gown. Maybe if I alter it 
he will be in better humor. (^Sits doivn and cuts off gown. ) 
He said it was a half-yard too long. And poor Miriam and 
Mr. Kirk ! They shall be happy. Oh, here is Peter ! 
(^Throws down gown and rises. Enter c, Sarah.) Oh, 
it is only you, Sarah. 

Sarah. Your new bonnet has come ma'am. 

Mrs. Peabody. I am not thinking of bonnets. Where 
is Mr. Peabody? 

Sarah. Going for Cumber for saying Mr. Kirk had 
come. (^Noise.^ I think he is murdering Cumber with a 
poker. 

Mrs. Peabody. Oh ! Oh ! 

{Exit!.., Mrs. Peabody.) 

Sarah {^sitting down and catching up gown and cuttiu"'^ 
it off). I wanted to get rid of her so I could address 
myself to this dressing gown. I'll do my part towards put- 
ting master into a good temper. What I like about Cumhc r 
is his taking his own part. There I that's done. {Throwin ■ 
down gown and going to piano afid striking keys and si fil- 
ing, ' ' Home, Home, Siveet, Sweet Home. ' ' Jumps up. ) 
Oh, here's master. {^Dusting furniture, as enter L., Cum- 
ber.) Oh, it's you. 

Cumber. Well ? 

Sarah. I thought you were far from well. I thought 
master was after you with a poker. 



THE DRESSING GOWN 9 

Cumber. He used the poker on Mr. Kirk's hat and a 
box of Mr. Kirk's. 

Sarah. With a poker ! Why must he go poking 
around ? {Starting.) You said a box. Did he use the 
poker on a high, square box on the hall table? 

Cumber. Exactly. 

Sarah (^shrieking). That's missus' new bonnet. Any 
man to smash a lady's bonnet ! Oh, where is missus? 

{Exit L., Sarah.) 

Cumber. I never saw such a temper as he's in to-day. 
Here's that thing. {^Holding up dressing gown.) Calls it 
long, does he ? I was a tailor before I became a butler. 
{Sitting down and cutting gown.) I'll fix it for him if 
that's all. There ! maybe that will suit his royal highness. 

{Enter r., Kirk.) 

Kirk. Cumber, where is Mr. Peabody ? I wish to have 
it out with him. I'm not going to see Miss Miriam made 
unhappy any longer. 

Cumber. The last I saw of Mr. Peabody, sir, he was 
smashing your hat with a poker. 

Kirk. My hat ! That gives me an excuse at once. 
{Enter r., Miriam.) Your father, Miriam {affecting 
anger), has pokered my hat. Let me get at him. 

Miriam (holding his arm). Oh, Angus, do not forget, 
he is my father. 

Kirk. I must have it out with him. He has pokered 
my hat. 

Miriam. Angus, you shall not meet him when you are 
like this. 

Kirk {struggling to free his arm). I don't care how I 
meet him. 

Miriam. If you molest my father I will never see you 
again. 

Kirk. The time has come for action. 

Miriam. I am not meek like mamma. So remember 
what I say. 

Kirk {breaking fro7n her). Remember what I do. 

{Exit L., Kirk.) 

Miriam. If he touches papa I will never speak to him 
again. Cumber, go after him, do not let hiui touch papa. 



10 . THE DRESSING GOWN 

{Exit L., Cumber.) The idea of Angus beating papa. 
( Walking 2cp and down.) I am not meek like mamma. J 
will never speak to him if he so much as accuses papa un- 
fairly. The idea ! The idea ! 

(^E^iter c, Mrs. Peabody with wi'eck of bonnet in he?- 
hand.') 

Mrs. Peabody (^loudly'). Miriam, behold your father's 
fiendish work. {^Holding up bonnet.) 

Miriam. Papa did that ? 

Mrs. Peabody. With a poker. Am I to stand idly by 
and see such work done ? Never ! I have stood much, but 
when a woman's new bonnet is made a victim of a man's 
fury that is the last straw. Look at it ! {Putting it on her 
head.) A new bonnet, never on my head before. 

Miriam {clasping her hands). I never saw you so angry. 

Mrs. Peabody. You never saw me with a smashed 
bonnet before. ( Throwing chair aside.) 

Miriam. Mamma, you are beside yourself. 

Mrs. Peabody. My new bonnet. Look at the bird of 
Paradise on it, and the blush roses — a wreck, a wreck. 

Miriam. Mamma, you will be ill. 

Mrs. Peabody. I am perfectly well, I feel fine. The 
worm has turned. When a worm's bonnet is smashed it is 
time for the worm to turn. 

Miriam. What shall I do? Angus is angry too, papa 
crushed his hat. Angus has gone to papa to make him 
answer for his act. 

Mrs. Peabody. Your father is my husband, no one 
shall lay a hand on him. {Bringing her hand down on the 
piano keys.) I must see Mr. Kirk. 

{Exiti.., Mrs. Peabody, bonnet over her eye.) 

Miriam {sinkijig on sofa). Mamma scares me. She is 
brave as a lion. {Jumping up.) In that case I too will be 
brave. 

{JSnter L., Sarah.) 

Sarah. Oh, miss, ain't it awful ! Master has lost his 
senses, and missus scents war. I wouldn't give a cent for 
master if missus finds him. And Pve sent her to him ! 

Miriam, Girl, where is Mr. Kirk? 



THE DRESSING GOWN 11 

Sarah. Cumber sent him to master to master him. 
Miriam. He goes to master papa, does he? I'll see to 
that. Sarah, two worms have turned. 

i^Exit L., Miriam.) 

Sarah. Two worms ! Then there'll be three of us, for 
Cumber has turned on me for telling him he ought to be 
ashamed of himself for sicking a young man on an old 
one. From henceforth I am a turned worm. {^Banging on 
piano keys.^ 

{Enter c, Cumber.) 

Sarah. Coward ! 

Cumber. Who's a coward ? 

Sarah. Mr. Kirk's young and master's not, and you set 
the young one on the old. 

Cumber. So you're mad, too, are you ? This is mas- 
ter's fault, he's made us all mad. 

Sarah. It's your fault. Bah ! 

Cumber. Don't "bah" me, Sarah. 

Sarah. I'll ''bah " you as long as I please. Bah ! I 
can ''bah " you if I can't bear you. Bah ! 

{Exit c, Sarah.) 

Cumber. "Bahs"me, does she, and can't bear me! 
I hold master accountable for this. 

{Enter l., Kirk and Miriam.) 

Miriam. Mr. Kirk, I wish you to understand that I will 
not have my father touched simply because he injured your 
hat. 

Kirk. Then you side with him. 

Miriam. He is my father. 

Kirk. Then I am nothing to you. Farewell ! 

{Exit c, Kirk.) 

Miriam. He will not go. {Door bangs.) Oh, that's 
the door banging. He has gone. And it is all papa's 
fault. Oh, I shall die. {Sittking on chair on top of dress- 
ing-gown.) 

Cumber. Miss, shall I go for Mr. Kirk ? 



12 THE DRESSING GOWN 

Miriam. Oh, Cumber, bring him back. Yes, yes, go 
for him. 

Cumber {rolling up sleeves^. Then I'll go for him. 1 
must have it out with somebody. 

{Exile, Cumber.) 

Miriam {jumping up). Go for him ! He means he will 
beat him. Beat Angus ! 

{Sinki?tg back in chair, as enter l., Mrs. Peabody Jiold- 
ing Peabody. Miriam rises.) 

Mrs. Peabody. Peter Peabody, the worm has turned. 

Peabody {trying to get away). Let it turn. 

Mrs. Peabody. What do you mean by smashing my 
new bonnet ? 

Peabody. Eh ? What ? 

Mrs. Peabody. You smashed the box in which my new 
bonnet had just come home. 

Peabody. I smashed a box beside Kirk's hat. I thought 
he had flowers in it for Miriam. I saw flowers in it. 

Mrs. Peabody. It was my bonnet. Don't tell me. 
You knew very well it was my new bonnet. 

Peabody. Anna Maria ! 

Mrs. Peabody, Don't ''Anna Maria" me. You are a 
bear — a vicious bear — a bonnet smashing bear. {Shaking 
him.) I've stood it long enough, I'll stand it no longer. 

Miriam. Oh, mamma ! 

Peabody. Anna Maria ! 

Mrs. Peabody. I'm not Anna Maria. I'm a woman. 
How dare you smash my bonnet? 

Peabody. Anna 

Mrs. Peabody. Don't dare to speak to me. How dare 
you smash my bonnet ? How dare you smash Mr. Kirk's 
hat? How dare you smash your daughter's happiness? 

Miriam. Yes, papa, Mr. Kirk has left me. 

Peabody. Miriam 

Mrs. Peabody. Don't dare to speak to her either. You 
a father ! You are a bear, a dancing bear. {Jumping Jmn 
tip and down.) 

Peabody. My dear ! 

Mrs. Peabody. Don't dare to speak to me. 

Miriam {going to her). Oh, mamma ! 



THE DRESSING GOWN 1 3 

Mrs. Peabody. Don't you dare to speak to me either. 
I am roused. 

Peabody. My darling 

Mrs. Peabody. I'm not your darling, I am a roused 
woman. How dare you treat Miriam and Mr. Kirk as you 
have done ! 

Peabody. If you will only listen to me 

Mrs. Peabody. I've listened to you long enough. 

Peabody. But just this once. 

Mrs, Peabody. To treat Miriam and Mr. Kirk like 
this ! What do you mean by it ? 

Peabody. If you will only let me get a word in edge- 
ways. 

Mrs. Peabody. Get it in, then. What word can you 
use to excuse yourself, you bear ? 

Peabody. The dressing gown ! 

Mrs. Peabody. How dare you mention that dressing 
gown ! 

Peabody. It — it upset me. 

Mrs. Peabody. You upset yourself, I saw you tumble 
down. 

Peabody. I mean — I mean I was annoyed because the 
tailor made it too long. 

Mrs. Peabody. No such thing. {Plumping him into 
chair, F. c.) Sit there. You were angry with Mr. Kirk 
for wishing to marry Miriam. 

Peabody. If you take it so to heart, my dear, Kirk may 
have her. 

Mrs. Peabody. Of course he shall. But what do you 
mean by being such a bear ? 

Peabody. The dressing gown was too long. 

Mrs. Peabody {shaking finger at him). You wicked 
man to make a dressing gown responsible for your fiendish 
temper ! 

Peabody. My dear 

Mrs. Peabody. Don't dare to speak to me. 

Peabody. I didn't know it was your bonnet. I hope 
you will get another one to-morrow. 

Mrs. Peabody. Smashing everything in the house simply 
because your daughter wished to marry a nice young man ! 

Peabody. I tell you Miriam may have him. 

Miriam {handkerchief to her eyes). I have just sent him 
away forever. 



; 14 THE DRESSING GOWN 

Mrs. Peabody. You wicked girl, I will never forgive 
you. 

Peabody, My dear Anna Maria — — 
' • Mrs. Peabody. Don't dare to speak to me. 

{Enter l., Sarah.) 

Sarah. Oh, ma'am, here comes Cumber/ and he is 
cumbered with Mr. Kirk. 

Miriam. Angus ! 

Mrs. Peabody. Peter Peabody, behold your work. 
(^Pointing to bomtet on her head.') 

{^Enter c, Cumber with Kirk who has broken high hat in 
hand. ) 

Cumber. I've fetched him back. Miss Miriam. 

Kirk {struggling with him). Let me go. 

Miriam. Hold him, Cumber. 

Mrs. Peabody. Let him go. Cumber, he is too good for 
my daughter. 

Kirk {freeing himself). If you please, Mrs. Peabody, I 
■ don't like to hear Miriam called names. 

Peabody. Hush ! Hush 1 It is all my fault. It was 
the dressing gown. I put it on and it was too long for me. 

Mrs. Peabody. Too long ! Put it on — put it on this 
minute ! 

Peabody {rising). Really, my dear, it is so long I look 
like a guy in it. 

Mrs. Peabody {jvith gown). Here, put it on. 

Peabody. Anna Maria 

Mrs. Peabody. Put it on, put it on. {They help him 
put it on. It is up between his shoulders.) 

Peabody. It — it has shrunk. 

Mrs. Peabody. Shrunk ! To put you in good humor I 
cut a half yard off it. 

Miriam. — So did I. 

Sarah. So did I. 

Cumber, So did I. 

Kirk. Mr. Peabody, it is not so lengthy now. It 

{Laughs.) 

Peabody. Don't laugh at me, sir. 

Mrs, Peabody. He shall. We all will. Laugh, all of 
)'oii. {Jliey lau(^h.) 



THE DRESSING GOWN 1 5 

Peabody. Anna Maria, please don't make a laughing 
stock of me. 

Mrs. Peabody. Then why did you make a laughing 
stock of me ? Look at this bonnet ! 

Kirk (^putting on smashed high haf). Look at this hat ! 

Peabody. Anna Maria — Miriam — Kirk — I — I 

Mrs. Peabody. You mean that you consent to Miriam's 
marriage ? 

Peabody. Certainly, my dear. 

Mrs. Peabody. And I have another bonnet to-morrow ? 

Peabody. Certainly, my dear. 

Miriam. Oh, papa, how could you have been so cruel ! 
You almost separated Mr. Kirk and me. 

Sarah. You made Cumber and me quarrel. 

Cumber. You made me wish to punch Mr. Kirk's head, 

Mrs. Peabody. Yes, and everybody doing all they 
could for you — everybody making your dressing gown 
shorter for you. (^Crying.) 

Peabody. I see, I see, my dear. I recognize the affec- 
tion of you all. But the gown 

Mrs. Peabody. Bother the gown. Never be a bear 
again, Peter, unless — oh, Peter, unless it is a hugging bear. 
i^Going to him.) I am so faint. i^He supports her.) 

Miriam. So am I, Angus. (Kirk holds her.) 

Sarah. Oh, Cumber ! (Cumber holds her.) 

Peabody. Anna Maria, Miriam, all of you. I have 
been greatly at fault, but as you all forgive me, let me say 
that a man hates to accuse himself too much. Let us all be 
lijppy, and let us lay the blame where I should most like to, 

Mrs. Peabody. Be careful, Peter. 

Peabody. I will hereafter. And now let us blame the 
dressing gown. 

Cumber, Sarah. Kirk, Miriam. Mr. Peabody, Mrs, 
Peabody. 



CURTAIN 



«M«0"°' 



i^AY 20 1902 

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MAY 20 1902 



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